The X-Men Get The Blues
by fuzzyblue
Summary: Find out what happens when the X-Men are introduced to the characters from Blue's Clues!


SUMMARY: This is an X-man/Blue's Clues crossover sillyfic. For those of you who haven't seen Blue's Clues, all the characters are animated except Steve, who runs around his imaginary world looking for the three objects that Blue has put her pawprint one which are clues to the answer of whatever question Steve is trying to solve for that day. Whew. Anyways, if you haven't seen the show, there's a description of the characters below.   
  
DISCLAIMER: All Marvel characters belong to Marvel. All Blue's Clues characters belong to the creators of that show. All song lyrics uttered by any of the Blue's Clues characters can be considered as being quoted from the show.   
  
WARNING: This sillyfic contains some Scott bashing. Cyclops fans have been warned.   
  
Blue - the Brain from Inspector Gadget wannabe blue dog that runs allover the place, leaving blue pawprints on everything   
  
Steve - the host of the show who runs allover the place looking for clues left by Blue. He can understand Blue, who apparently is the only creature on the show who CAN'T speak!   
The truly sad thing is that Blue is way smarter than Steve.   
  
Perriwinkle - the highly irritating kitten who won't shut up and wants to play games all the time   
  
Tickety Tock - the talking alarm clock   
  
The Felt Friends - two dimensional, talking felt people who are stuck in a picture frame on the wall   
  
Sidetable Drawer - a talking side-table drawer (isn't that name just sooooo original?)   
  
Shovel and Pail - a talking shovel and talking pail (do you see a trend here?)   
  
Bowl and Spatula - a talking bowl and OH MY GOD a talking spatula! Never would have guessed it!   
  
Slippery Soap - a talking bar of soap with arms (I don't know if Steve actually washes himself with it and I don't wanna know, either)   
  
Mr. Salt - a talking salt shaker with a very bad french accent   
  
Mrs. Pepper - a talking pepper shaker with an even worse bad french accent   
  
Paprika - Mr. Salt's and Mrs. Pepper's daughter who has no french accent at all (don't ask me how THIS happened)   
  
Mailbox - a talking, singing mailbox who is obsessed with mail and everything to do with it (he even has a stamp collection)   
  
Yes folks, I DID NOT make these characters up. They are on an actual kid show and they are as annoying as they sound. The only thing missing is a talking toaster. Anyways, on with the insanity!   
  
  
THE X-MEN GET THE BLUES   
  
Morning was heralded not by Scott's usual, digital alarm clock, but by Tickety Tock who was ringing her bells insanely in an attempt to rouse the slumbering X-man.   
  
TICKETY: "C'mon Stev..er...Scott! It's time to get up!"   
  
Scott rolled over in the direction of the clock's voice, and cracked an eyelid open.   
  
TICKETY: "It's time to get..." ZZZZAAAPP!!!   
  
As little bits of Tickety flew allover the room, Scott rolled over and sank blissfully back to sleep.   
  
  
  
Jean had been up an hour earlier, and hadn't noticed the talking timepiece. She was currently downstairs in the kitchen, preparing to make pancakes. Having laid out the milk, eggs and bisquik, she opened the cupboard and pulled out a bowl and a spatula.   
  
BOWL: "Hi!"   
  
Jean gave a little shriek of surprise and dropped the items.   
  
BOWL: "Ow!"   
  
SPATULA: "Oof!"   
  
BOWL: "That wasn't very nice, you know!"   
  
Jean just gaped at them.   
  
SPATULA: "Hey, bowl! Let's make banana muffins!"   
  
BOWL: "Mmmmmm....banana muffins!"   
  
Jean glanced furtively from side to side, making sure nobody else was around. Then she telekinetically lifted the pair up...   
  
SPATULA: "Hey, bowl! We're flying!"   
  
BOWL: "Weeeeeee!!!"   
  
...put them in the cupboard, and closed the door.   
  
SPATULA: "Let us out! It's dark in here!"   
  
BOWL: "Yeah! I wanna make banana muffins!"   
  
Jean ignored the whining and pounding as she calmly put away all the ingredients except the eggs. She then proceeded to grab a pack of bacon out of the fridge and resumed making breakfast, pretending she hadn't lossed her mind at all (which she was certain she had).   
  
  
  
A little while later, Logan came into the kitchen.   
  
"What's with the eggs n' bacon, Jeannie?" he asked. "I thought today was pancake day."   
  
She telekinetically pulled a chair out for him and sat a plate of said eggs and bacon on the table.   
  
"Don't ask," she replied, and resumed cooking.   
  
Logan shrugged his shoulders. Breakfast is breakfast, he thought to himself as she sat down and reached for the salt.   
  
MR. SALT: "Bonjour!"   
  
"Did you say somethin' Jeannie?"   
  
"No, I did not. Now eat your breakfast."   
  
Logan made a mental note to give Scott a pounding for putting Jean in such a bad mood as he sprinkled his food liberally with salt and then grabbed the pepper.   
  
MRS. PEPPER: "Bonjour!"   
  
Logan looked around for the source of the voice. If Bobby's pulling pranks again, he ain't gonna be laughin' too long, he thought angrily to himself.   
  
He took a bite of egg. Needs more salt, he thought, and he reached out for the salt without glancing up.   
  
He heard a small baby cry and felt something whack his thumb.   
  
"Huh?"   
  
He looked down and saw not a salt shaker, but a little shaker of red powder. But this little shaker had eyes and a mouth, and was whacking him with the tiniest baby bottle he had ever seen.   
  
"What the hell...?!"   
  
MR. SALT: "Ah! I see you 'ave met our baby daughter Paprika!"   
  
Logan stared at the salt shaker. It had eyes and a mouth, too. It was smiling at him.   
  
MRS. PEPPER: "Could you pleeze put 'er down? I zink she iz frightened of you, misseur...er? What eez yer name?"   
  
Logan stared at Mrs. Pepper, then back to Mr. Salt and finally, baby Paprika. Then he shrugged his shoulders and tossed Paprika over his shoulder and resumed eating his breakfast.   
  
Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper shrieked in horror as they watched Paprika hit the floor. Her top came off, and the red contents spilled allover the tiles. She was dead.   
  
The once happy little salt and pepper shakers were now furious little salt and pepper shakers bent on revenge. "We'll get you for zis!!!" they growled in unison as they advanced menacingly upon Logan. Logan casually swiped his arm across the table, and the pair went flying to share the same doomed fate as their daughter.   
  
"Logan! Stop throwing things around the kitchen!" Jean complained as she cleaned the mess up and dumped it in the garbage.   
  
"Sorry, Jeannie," he mumbled, and kept eating.   
  
  
  
Hank was holed up once again in his lab. As he waited for his latest experiment to set, he absentmindedly glanced about the room. His eyes settled on a picture on the wall that he couldn't remember having seen before. On it were two little people made out of pieces of felt. He was just going over to take the tacky piece of artwork down when he suddenly stopped in his tracks. He could have sworn they had waved at him. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, and looked again. Yes, he could say with absolute certainty that the little felt people were waving at him.   
  
He calmly reached over to his desk and picked up his notebook.   
  
Note to self: he wrote, schedule time-off to locate sanity.   
  
SIDE-TABLE: "Oh! Oh! Oh! Use MY notebook! Puhleeeaaassee!!!"   
  
Hank looked down at the talking piece of furniture. With the same air of calmness, he returned to his notepad and added, Very, very soon.   
  
  
  
After breakfast, Logan decided to take a shower. He stripped off his clothes, turned on the water, and stepped into the shower stall. He heard a muffled scream as he grabbed the bar of soap.   
  
"Huh?"   
  
He looked down and saw that just like the salt and pepper shakers, the bar of soap had eyes, mouth and arms. But the soap's eyes were wide with horror.   
  
"You're even hairier than Blue!" the soap squeaked with terror.   
  
Logan thought he was comparing him to Hank. "Just shut the hell up," he growled and proceeded to suds up his family jewels.   
  
Muffled cries and screaming could be heard from below, which roughly translated into:   
  
"OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN HELP ME OH GOD WHERE IS HE STICKING ME THIS IS BEYOND MY WORST NIGHTMARES DEAR GOD GET ME OUTTA HERE....!!!!" and it went on and on like that.   
  
  
  
A while later, after Logan had finished his shower and left the bathroom, a significantly smaller bar of Slippery Soap staggered and weaved its way out of the bathroom, plucking numerous black hairs out of its epidermis. His eyes were glassy, and he had a far-off look on face as he mumbled to nobody in particular about the horrors he had endured. His little mind had been washed down the drain like so many of Logan's hairs, and the little bar of soap would never be the same again.   
  
  
  
Rogue and Remy were sitting on the couch in the rec room, watching TV. Ororo was sitting in the armchair, reading a book.   
  
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a voice called out "IT'S MAIL TIIIIIIME!!!!"   
  
All three x-men instinctively jumped to their feet and looked about for the source of the voice. A purple and pink mailbox with eyes popped in through the window and started singing.   
  
MAILBOX: "I'm the mail! I never fail! I make you want to wag your tail! When I come you want to wail.....!"   
  
The mailbox exploded before it could finish its song.   
  
Storm and Rogue looked at Gambit.   
  
"Sorry, mes amis," the Cajun said. "But Remy jus' couldn't handle no more singin'."   
  
  
  
Jubilee felt someone poking her in the ribs. "Just five more minutes," she mumbled and covered her head with the comforter.   
  
Poke poke poke.   
  
"AAAARRRGGH!" she cried. "It's Saturday! I have a God-given right to sleep in on weekends!"   
  
She swung out blindly with her pillow.   
  
"Hey! Watch it!" said a strange voice.   
  
Jubilee bolted upright, opened her eyes, and found herself staring into the face of a little grey striped kitten.   
  
"Oooohh!" squealed Jubilee. "A cute little kitty!"   
  
PERRIWINKLE: "Who're you callin' cute?"   
  
"Wow! You can talk! Are you a mutant?"   
  
PERRIWINKLE: "What's a mutant? I just wanna play!"   
  
"Play?" Jube asked.   
  
The little kitten's ears perked up and he started to bounce all over her bed.   
  
PERRIWINKLE: "Yeah! Play! I wanna play busdriver and hide 'n' seek and tag and red rover and baseball and tiddley winks and...."   
  
"Woah, Woah, WOAH!" Jubilee exclaimed. "Slow down!" The kitten stopped and sat down. "Why?" he asked indignantly.   
  
"Just who are you, anyway?"   
  
He puffed out his chest. "I'm Perriwinkle! Wanna see a card trick?" he whipped out a deck of cards. "Pick a card, any card!"   
  
Jubilee picked a card. The kitten grabbed it back.   
  
PERRIWINKLE: "Not THAT card. Now, try again! Pick a card, any card!"   
  
Jubilee chose another card, but it was once again taken away from her.   
  
"You're not doin' it right!" Perriwinkle said huffily.   
  
"That's 'cause you're not lettin' me keep the card I want!" Jubilee complained.   
  
"I can't help it if YOU can't pick the right card!"   
  
"What kind of lame-o card trick is that, anyway?"   
  
And the argument continued with the card trick unperformed.   
  
  
  
Bobby wasn't faring any better than Jubilee. He was currently conversing with a shovel and a pail. He had convinced himself that Jean was somehow playing with his head, trying to get him back for the prank he had pulled on Scott the other day.   
  
  
  
Professor X's voice suddenly boomed through all their heads.   
  
*All X-men to the war room immediately!* he ordered.   
  
The X-men headed to the war room. Remy, Rogue and Storm arrived first, and quietly discussed the mailbox incident. Wolverine came in next, and said nothing. Jean and Scott arrived shortly thereafter. Jean still hadn't mentioned anything about the bowl and spatula incident. She didn't want everybody to know that she had gone insane.   
  
Bobby entered next, the animated shovel and pail following at his heels. "Jean!" he cried. "You had your fun, ha ha ha. See? I'm laughing! Now call off your little pals!"   
  
"Don't talk to my wife like that!" shouted Cyclops.   
  
Jean didn't look the least bit upset as she pointed to Shovel and Pail. "Y..you see them, too?" she asked.   
  
"Yes I see them!" cried Bobby. "Now quit playing with my head and get rid of them!"   
  
Jean cried out delightedly as she ran over and gave Bobby a hug.   
  
"What the hell is going on here?!" cried Cyclops.   
  
He was cut off abruptly by the sound of angry voices. Jubilee entered next, arguing with a little gray kitten who was bouncing insanely all around her like a toddler loaded with cola and pixie sticks.   
  
"Would you just shut up and leave me the hell alone!" she cried.   
  
"Aw, you're no fun," grumbled Perriwinkle, and he bounded over to Gambit. "Hi! Wanna play a game?"   
  
Gambit thought it'd be best to humour the little furball. "Sure, Gambit like games. How 'bout cards?"   
  
The kitten jumped for joy. "Alright!" He pulled out his deck. "Pick a card, any card!"   
  
Gambit pulled out his own cards. "Gambit likes to play wit his own deck," he replied, drawing a card and charging it.   
  
PERRIWINKLE: "Oooooooohhh..."   
  
"Gambit, don't you dare!" ordered Storm.   
  
The card faded to normal. "Aw, chere, Gambit was jus' playin' a little game."   
  
PERRIWINKLE: "What a neat trick! Can you teach me how to do it?!"   
  
Beast was the last to join the group. An animated side-table drawer was trailing after him, begging him to use her notebook. Hank looked at the shovel and pail, then at the talking kitten. He sighed and scribbled on his notepad some more.   
  
SIDETABLE: "MY notebook is much prettier than that one, AND it's a lot sturdier..."   
  
The professor entered the room.   
  
"Er...professor?" Cyclops said tentatively. "Did you know there's an...um...blue pawprint on your head?"   
  
"Yes, Scott," the professor remarked agitatedly. "I am perfectly aware that there is a blue pawprint on my head. It was placed there by a little blue dog that is running rampant about the mansion and is driving me out of my mind! I'm ordering you all to search for it and catch it so I can have it put down!"   
  
"Can we have the cat put down too?" Jubilee piped up.   
  
"Let's deal with MY little pest control problem first, shall we?" he retorted. Then, from out of nowhere, a little blue dog bounded into the room, planted another pawprint on professor X's head and ran out the door.   
  
WOLVERINE: "What the hell was that?"   
  
PROFESSOR: "Arrrggghhh!! It was that damn dog! Somebody catch it!"   
  
They were about to go after the dog when a strange man in a striped green shirt wandered into the room.   
  
STEVE: "Oh, hello. I'm Steve. Have you seen my dog, Blue?"   
  
PROFESSOR: "THAT was YOUR dog?"   
  
STEVE: "Oh! You saw her? Which way did she go?"   
  
PROFESSOR: "Do you know what that dog has been..."   
  
"Hold on one second," Steve said, interrupting him. The man then turned and started talking to thin air. "Blue? Yes, I'm looking for Blue. The bald man said she went...OH! You see a clue? Where? Where?"   
  
Steve cast furtive glances around the room. "Where? I don't see the clue!"   
  
He paused again, apparently receiving further instructions from some unknown source. Beast's face brightened considerably. At least he wasn't as insane as this man apparently was.   
  
Steve finally focused his gaze on the professor. "Oh! The clue! The clue is on...that man's head." He paused a moment, as if in deep thought (or trying to get his brain back on-line. Who knows.) "You know what that means!" He paused again. "Yes! We've got to write the clue down in our notebook!"   
  
Steve hurried over to Sidetable Drawer. "Sidetable! I need my notebook!"   
  
The furniture suddenly became aggressive. "Don't you 'sidetable' me, Steve!" it growled.   
  
Steve was taken aback. "But...but..."   
  
SIDETABLE: "You completely ignore me until you need your notebook and then I get my two seconds of fame and recognition before you grab the notebook away from me and continue on your merry way. Is it too much to ask to say 'hi' to me every once and a while? You could sit in the thinking chair and talk to me every now and then, you know! I'm not just a sidetable drawer who holds your notebook...."   
  
The normally placid Beast suddenly snapped at the hundredth repetition of the word 'notebook' he had heard in the last twenty minutes. With a single swipe of a massive blue paw, he smashed the sidetable to splinters.   
  
"Ahhhh, that was most satisfying," he commented.   
  
"Er...um...yeah," said Steve, and he picked his notebook up out of the rubble and started drawing in it.   
  
STEVE (to thin air again): "Okay. Our first clue was a red shirt, the second clue was a spaceship and now the third clue is a bald man's head. Hmmmm. What is Blue trying to tell me with a red shirt, a spaceship, and a bald man?" He paused dramatically. "Maybe, maybe Blue wants me to shave my head and become a monk!"   
  
BLUE (from a hiding spot): Bow wow wow (translation: Steve, you're a moron.)   
  
Through all this the X-men had been silent. They were all in awe of the fact that a bigger dork than Cyclops actually existed. Cyclops felt humbled.   
  
PROFESSOR: "Would you all pay some attention to me?"   
  
No response.   
  
Steve was still trying to figure out the answer to the clues when he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He looked up to see a man about his height, but significantly hairier, more muscular and obviously extremely ticked off.   
  
WOLVERINE: "Are you the one responsible for all the weird shit that's been goin' on around here?"   
  
STEVE: "Er...yes...?"   
  
Logan smiled. Steve cringed.   
  
WOLVERINE: "That's all I needed to know." He proceeded to gut Steve with his adamantium claws. Steve dropped to the floor, gurgling something about never being able to find a clue on his own.   
  
"Wolverine!" cried Storm. "How could you be so inconsiderate? Now who is going to clean up this mess?"   
  
Perriwinkle, Shovel and Pail were in complete shock staring at Steve's body. Blue was wagging her tail happily.   
  
EPILOGUE:   
  
Jean helped the professor scrub the pawprints of his scalp. Cyclops beat up Bobby for hugging his wife (actually, Bobby was humouring Scott by pretending that Scott was actually hurting him). Wolverine beat up Cyclops just cause he felt like it (Scott was not pretending to be hurt). Jubilee took Perriwinkle to the vet and him neutered and his vocal cords cut so he is now a more placid, far quieter little kitten. Shovel, Pail, Bowl and Spatula were quietly exterminated by members of the X-team who shall remain unnamed. And Blue skeedooed to her own universe and the X-men never heard from her again.   
  
THE END (Thank goodness!)   
  
  
please Please PLEASE review! This is my first sillific ever and I'd love some feedback! Thanks!


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